A new form of government is slowly being introduced to the world by the government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The test run for this new, innovative and unique system of government was introduced to the world from a sick bed in a Saudi Arabian hospital two months ago by Nigeria’s ailing President Umaru Musa Yar’adua and he will soon establish it and make it fully operational when he returns back to Nigeria to his newly-built, designer and specialist ground floor hospital bed (with state of the art and modern life saving and sustaining machines et al) in the Aso Rock Presidential Villa, Abuja.
This system of government is called “corpsocracy” and it allows for the country to be ruled by a leader who is half dead, who is on a life support machine, who is in a coma, who is permanently on a kidney dialysis machine or who is suffering from dementia and chronic heart and liver failure. Under this new system of government the leader does not ever have to leave his bed, he does not have to speak to his people, he does not have to sign or approve any memos or treaties, he does not have to abide by the constitution, he does not have to lead the military, he does not have to give day to day directives on the economy, foreign policy and the running of his government and he does not have to see or be seen by his ministers and staff, let alone the Nigerian people that he is leading. All he has to do to sustain his mandate and to continue to legitimately and lawfully lead the country is to ensure that he maintains a weak pulse whilst he is in his vegetative state and to ensure that his wife indulges in the deepest form of black magic, necromancy and coprophilia on his behalf on a day to day basis. As long as he is still breathing and even if he is not concious, he can continue to rule and lead the people even where he is physically and mentally unfit to do so and even where he is nothing but a living corpse. And just in case he ever feels like speaking to the people, a faint one minute drawl, preferably in his native hausa language, is all that is required of him and even that can be to the BBC hausa service and certainly not to any Nigerian media house or medium. In the event of war being declared on the country there is no cause for alarm because under this system his wife will have the sole responsibility and exclusive right to command the Nigerian army, lead them into battle and defend our sovereignty and territorial integrity. And whilst she is doing that his ever faithful ministers can handle the onerous and all important task of receiving and making tea for the President’s numerous mallams, prayer warriors and mourners in the Presidential Villa and they will also be charged with the additional and vital responsibility of changing Mr. President’s diapers and pampers everyday, washing his private parts and supervising the changing of his bed sheets and the cleaning of his bedroom at least once every 3 hours.
As for running the government, that will be left in the able hands of a tiny cabal of provincial villagers, family members and Special Advisors who had never travelled out of Katsina state, let alone Nigeria, before 2007. And the best part of it all is this: there is absolutely no role to play or any need for a Vice President under this new system because once the President dies completely his wife will automatically take over and assume full power. Is this not a great achievement: our very own version of democracy? I am so proud to be a Nigerian today. And instead of wasting our time complaining we should just keep quiet and pray for our President to get better and return from the land of the dead-after all anyone can fall sick at any time and all that is happening to us as a nation today is simply the “will of God”. That is how God wants it so who are we to question or resist His will? This is our own form of democracy and all true patriots should just accept it. In any case this new system of government quite apart from showing the world how brilliant and innovative we are as a people, really does provide great hope for the future of our country. Someone should go and tell President Obama that Nigeria has now come of age and that he is not the only one that has brought the concept of “change that we can believe in” and “yes we can” to the world of politics and governance. Nigeria’s version of “yes we can” is known as “corpsocracy” and this can be accurately defined as “the rulership of the living by the dead”. This is Nigeria’s own unique contribution to the world of global politics and the age old and historical debate about the competing systems of governance in today’s unipolar world.